Attack of the Care Bears
by Wind Wanderer
Summary: Yes it has finally returned, beter then ever. come and read of the evil care bear, the deranged purple cat and the freaked out fellowship. Come on, you'll laugh your pants off.
1. Of Care Bears and Deranged Purple Cats

Attack of the Care Bears

Disclaimer: Fine, fine. I do not own The Lord of the Rings or Care Bears, I do not.The deranged purple cat and the people in many colored raincoats our mine but I give my permition to use them if you ask me. This popped into my head while watching a commercial for those creepy talking care bears. Now, ON WITH THE MADNESS!

* * *

It was a bright and murky day in Middle Earth. The orcs were singing, the trolls were dancing and somewhere Sauron was trying to get lucky with a three toed boot juggler, which happened to be the beginning of another but equally disturbing tale. The Fellowship all sat around Rivendell, doing nothing worthy of mention. The royal harlot, err, elven lady Arwen had said that she had a surprise to show them. She had been quite uncharacteristically excited that they all had to see what this thing was just to shut her up.

"I think it's a thong," Pippin piped up while picking at his toes. It is a little known fact that a hobbit's foot is what held their hormone glands so when they played with their feet it meant they were thinking impure thoughts, which is another story.

Legolas looked over at Pippin with a vacant blond expression with a hint of idiotic naivety, "Why would Arwen buy a thong?"

Pippin shook his finger in the elf's face, who flinched away from the smell of feet, "Not for herself, for Strider." He said with a leer at Aragorn.

Aragorn glared, in an oh so sexy way, at the perverted Hobbit, "Very funny Pippin. Don't be surprised if you don't wake up one morning."

"I once saw Saromon hitting on a druid from Camaul, he said that she was a doll, they went to the bush, and he grabbed her toosh, and she hit into the wall." Legolas said proudly since everyone seemed to be more interested in Pippin. An Elf can be very jealous.

Gandalf sat watching the three, while smoking his pipe of who-knows-what, "I just hope that she did not find another insane animal. Remember the last stray."

They all looked over at the deranged purple cat, a ragged creature as thin as a pole with crazy green eyes. Arwen had found the beast in the darkest bowls of Rivendell when she had set off to find a plant to poison Aragorn after he looked at another elf. No one was sure what the cat had been doing but Arwen's attendants never spoke of that night; all that was known was that five elves, three men, two puddings (chocolate in nature) and a leg of lamb had disappeared, never to be seen again. The fellowship turned and watched the cute little beast drag a full-grown orc across the tiles, leaving a trail of blood in its wake. The deranged purple cat stoped and looked at the hobbits with a crazed, hungry look, kind of like a certain fan fiction writer.

"AHH!" Merry yelled when a crazy eyed girl began to gnaw on his leg.

Arwen popped out of nowhere, scaring the guys with her freaky eyebrows and monotone voice, "Hello everyone, I found this adorable little thing in a basket in the woods. Isn't it cute?

The elf pulled open a steel crate and dragged a black care bear from the depths. The toy did not look very cute for it had a mark on its belly that looked oddly like a bloody knife. Evil energy seems to ooze from the small plush toy like stink off of imported cheese from Bree. The fact that it is holding a sign saying 'I will kill all of you in your sleep' did not help any of the fellowship to feel any better.

"It looks like my Uncle Toro, he died in a swamp. Got all fuzzy with moss and sea urchins." Gimli noted.

"I thought that sea urchins lived in salt water." Legolas stated in a moment of clarity.

"They were Reformed Aquadist. Only live in fresh sludge." Gimli stated proudly.

Arwen's face suddenly looked like she was constipated, which it always did when she was thinking of something and we never saw because she never thought in any scenes of the movie, "Oh," you could see the little light-bulb flash dimly over her head, "I have to go meet father. Good-bye."

Arwen walked off, forgetting the toy instantly. The evil plush starred at the nine men, err, hobbits, elf, dwarf, wizard, and men. The plastic eyes burned with mass produced evil equaled only by the Wiggles. The bear's little formless hands twitched, ready to strangle the life out of them with the felt and stuffing. A black brain whirled with diabolical plans within the fluffy skull of the creature.

Pretty good for toy, huh?

The males starred back in defiance and testosterone driven courage. Their pride as men being shone in full glory like only danger can cause . . . this went on until Pippin cracked a second later.

"SOMEONE KILL THAT THING BEFORE IT TAKES OVER THE ROOM!" Pip screamed like the little, large footed girl named Chichi he pretended to be on Saturday nights in Tucson.

Sam, being calmer and smarter then the Took, walked over to the Care Bear without fear, "Maybe it isn't evil. It looks harmless." He walked up to the toy and picked it up. When nothing happened after a few moments Sam smiled, "See, harmless."

Sam put the Care Bear down and walked out of the room without a word, a dramatic wind ruffling his cloak, he had hid a fan behind the door to look cooler. The moment he was gone from sight, the Care Bear turned its fuzzy head to the others and stood. It started to walk toward the fellowship when it tripped over a very large lobster and into a tub of butter. The fellowship took the opportunity to run and ran like a dickens. They all headed for Elrond's counsel room. Elrond looked up, startled from his spot on the floor where he was holding a very large Blue's Clues balloon. After the shock of finding the Elf lord hugging a child's balloon wore off, the gang all of the men started talking like they where on Pixie sticks, hyper gestures and all.

"Elronyouhavetohelpus,it'sgonnakillus!"

"EVIL! IT'S EVIL! IT MUST BE KILLED!"

"It'llcomeformefirst!Everyonekillsmeanditwilltoo!"

"HELP US!"

"THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!"

"I'M SCARED!"

"MY CABBAGES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!"

"That thing is to evil to on exist!"

"It's after my Lucky Charms!" They all calm down enough to give Gimli odd looks then they go back to pleading.

Elrond scratched his head, "Um, what are you talking about?"

Gandalf began to tell an extravagant and long winded tale of what happened and then they take Elrond to the vile plush toy.

Elrond looks around, checking in the corners and even under the chairs and in books, "There's nothing here. Gandalf I think you all need to lay off of your pipe."

The fellowship looked around the room but they could not find the evil CB. They went to Frodo when he called to them. He had found a now open window. It was somewhere in Rivendell, planning their demises.

* * *

MAHA! Praise me for the return of AotCB in a legal format that cannot be taken off because I am not in it and it is in story format. HAHAHA! (is hit by a random migrating African Swallow) Please review. You know you want to. 


	2. Of Spam Balls and stolen quotes

Attack of the Care Bears

Wind: I'm not writing.

Le: 'Gods, why me?' How come?

Wind: People are mean to me.

Key: But you're mea-

Wind: Silence!

Le: Just write. That way some poor souls will be striped of some of their sanity and I can go.

Wind: OO I never thought of that…ON WITH THE FIC!

* * *

Somewhere in Rivendell the evil CB was gathering allies. All of the most sick and depraved creatures imaginable, such as Barbie's (who are evil by nature) and the toys from rigged claw machines who are trained to make you want them so bad, so you waste ten dollars and never get any of them. Why would they do this you ask? I'm not sure, but they were evil . . . or kinda.

Aragorn sat rocking back and forth in the corner, sucking his thumb like a little baby while mumbling, "Its coming, its coming, its coming."

Frodo grabbed the ranger and slapped Aragorn across the face five times, "Snap out of it man."

Boromir walked out of a closet dressed in white pajamas with little pink hearts, "I want to sing! THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH MUSIC!!!" the man's singing was horrible off key. If you read the books you notice that with all the singing, no one sings off key. This is because if you do you will be hit by a comet made of nothing but molten green gummy bears that no one will eat. Thus Boromir was hit with the ball of goo and went sliding down a cliff.

Aragorn took a shuttering breath, blowing out smoke from Gandalf's pipe, "I see dead people."

"Dude, you stole that from the Sixth Sense," said a random elf that walked past.

Pippin jumped onto the table and struck a heroic pose, "This is no time for alarm. We must all band together to overcome this contemptible antagonist. If we do not, there is no logical way we can be victorious!"

Everyone stared at the little Hobbit in surprise and fear.

Gandalf "How"

Sam "Does,"

Legolas "He,"

Gimli "Know,"

Aragorn "Such,"

Frodo "Big,"

Merry "Words."

Everyone exchanged looks and nodded in agreement. They all jumped on Pippin and stuffed him into a ball of spam. Pip tried to free himself of the false meat byproducts but it was impossible. The spam held fast, for no power in the universe could make it waver just like nothing could make it taste like real meat.

Merry pointed an accusing finger at Pippin, "YOUR NOT PIP, WHERE IS HE YOU…um, FAKE PIPPIN THINGY!"

Pippin looked around the group and tried to explain, "I'm not a fake, and I've just been looking at a thesaurus."

Gandalf scoffed in a very girly way, swaying his hips and sticking his nose in the air, "Fraud, since when could Pippin read, much less know what a thesaurus was."

They picked up the spam prison and placed it and its captive into a big, white room. Not the nice ones with the padding on the sides, but one of the ones you sit in and slowly go mad until you go out and eat the neighbor's golden retriever.

"I'm the real Pippin I tell you!" he said as the others shut the door.

From another ball of spam Elvis Presley spoke up, "Good luck convincing them there. I've been here for years."

"Wait, you mean you weren't abducted by aliens?" Pippin asked in awe.

"Nah, just abducted by idiots."

Aragorn wiped his hands together very calmly, "Well since that's done…WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

"SHUT UP!" Legolas finally snapped and threw a random watermelon at Strider's head.

Aragorn falls backwards when it hit him right between the eyes which had little ex.'s on them.

"Oh my god, you killed Aragorn!" cried Frodo.

Sam replied,"You bastards!"

Somewhere else that was not where ever the fellowship or Pippin and Elvis was, the evil care bear, forgot it didn't ya, stood looking over his army, the battle was about to begin.

* * *

Short but the next will be longer if I get enough reviews. And yes, THAT IS A THREAT! (puppy eyes) Please review, I live for your words. 


	3. Changing Voices and Fuzzy Assassin

Attack of the Care Bears

Wind: Wow, being thrown off gave me lots of time to write.

Le: (sarcastically) No, really?

Wind: (totally oblivious) Yep. Ok the battle will be coming up soon…but not yet.

Le: Baka.

Key: Uh, Wind?

Wind: Yeah?

Key: . . uh the people from the asylum are back for you.

Wind: Burn them.

Key: O.O

Wind: Fine. I will, but you do the disclaimer. (walks outside with flamethrower)

Key: Wind does not own anything from the Lord of the Rings or Care Bears. She owns the Evil Care Bear and the deranged purple cat though.

Wind: (outside) BURN, BURN! BURN MY PRESCIOUS FLAMES! KYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Key: Uh, and her precious flames. (mutters) I thought I was the fire element but she loves it more…(normal) ah well. R&R.

* * *

A few hours later, Aragorn actually woke up! Of course he had **no** idea who he was but that really was not that big of a difference.

Aragorn sat on the ground staring stupidly at his sword, "Oh, pretty." He said in an air headed tone, like that night at the party when he got totally…wrong story sorry.

Frodo stood in front of Strider with one hand on his hip and the other wagging a finger in Aragorn's face like a mother would while saying in his almost girly voice, "Don't play with sharp objects."

"That sounded wrong," Merry said, his perverted little grape sized brain kicking into gear thinking of bad things.

Boromir walked in at that moment, still covered in green goo, "I feel strangely disturbed." Which set the Hobbit off into more perverted laughter for no reason.

Boromir looked down at the Hobbit in disgust since he secretly was a virgin and a eunuch. Opps, wasn't suppose to tell you that. "Is that all you think of little one?"

Merry puffed out his chest like a balloon, "Yes, yes it is."

Legolas leaned over and poked Merry with an arrow, sending him flying, "He was full of hot air."

Gandalf smirked as he took money from the blond, "Don't bet against the all knowing bi-atch."

Merry kept flying through the air, "LOOK MA, NO HANDS!" then he fell hard into a cart piled with manure, which a curtain wizard had happened to park under the Hobbit.

Frodo still was acting like a mother when he said, "You should not think such dirty thoughts."

"Stop talking like that," Gandalf said through clenched teeth as little images of the annoying whiner being blown up danced through his head.

Frodo did not stop though, "Clenching your teeth is bad for you."

"GAHHHHH!" Gandalf screamed as he blew Frodo's head off with his magic, "Oppsies."

Everyone looks at Gandalf in horror, kind of. Ok, fine no one cared and they started dancing around until a sound called their attention to Frodo's body. Elmo, you know, from Sesame Street, the red thing with the annoyingly happy laugh that has that dancing toy out, climbed out of a trap door in his chest.

"It's not nice to blow up others mechanical bodies," Elmo said in a sing song tone while taking out a butter knife, "You have to learn to be nice."

Gimli jumped back a step and fell over a randomly placed leg on ham, "FUZZY ASSASIN!"

Legolas seemed to be the only sane one at the moment as he looked unimpressed by the little red puppet, "This is pathetic."

Elmo takes this opportunity to attack, "YAAAA!" he yelled in a funny little squeek that sounded more like, "Eee"

"Eeeeeeeeek!" Boromir screamed like a little kindergarten girl and runs around in circles while being chased with the butter knife.

Aragorn is knocked over by the weenie boy, "Wha-" he hits his head off of a conviently placed balcony. "……….." in childish voice he says "Where am I? Where did my pony go? MOMMMMYYYYYYYY!"

Sam comes running into the room waving two play money dollar bills excitedly, "I JUST ONE TWO DOLLARS IN A BIGGEST FEET CONTEST! I EVEN GOT INTO THE WORLD RECORDS!" While he waved his arms around like a monkey he stepped on Elmo. "Ew, I stepped in something. MY PRECIOUS FEET ARE FOREVER TAINTED!" he runs out crying.

Aragorn was again knocked over and hit his head by the fats hobbit. Stupids fat hobbids, always taking my precious. (Gollum is swiftly thrown off the keyboard) Aragorn starts talking in a female voice, "Oh dear, what happened to the salon? Poo, I was just getting my nails done."

Legolas' eye starts twitching, "This is messed up." He hits Aragorn with folding chair, wrestler style.

Aragorn's eyes become big swirls as he talks in Brittany Spears voice, "Like, the room is, like spinning."

"EVIL SINGER!" Merry screams in terror and hits the confused Ranger with big rock.

Aragorn starts talking in Frodo's voice, "I will take it…but I do not know the way."

Everyone's eyes grow wide as the stare at the Man. It seems that Legolas' twitching eye is contagious as everyone contracts one, some two. Everyone grabs a blunt object and beats Aragorn.

"Night, night." Aragorn says as he fell over with 'X's for eyes once again. That can't be good for his brain…ah who cares, sexy men don't need brains.

* * *

Wind: Look it's a little longer!

Le: Whoop-d fricken do

Wind: And guess what.

Key: what?

Wind: It's getting longer cause I'm still talking.

Aragorn Fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (pant) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (throw rotten veggies and fish)

Wind: Oh, (dodges) I am sorry for…(dodges again) for bashing Strider. Don't be mad…(dodges so frodo gets a tomato in the face) it was just for fun! Please tell me what you think and don't throw too many tomatos. (is hit in face with fish)


	4. Frodo joins the dark side

Wind: Me so sleepy but must write for… (starts nodding off then jerks awake) MARSHMELLOW CUCUMBERS!

Le: Just go to bed.

Wind: NO! I HAVE TO UDATE EVERYTHING BEFORE MY FAMILY GOES TO ATLANTIC CITY TO GAMBLE AND END UP LOSING ME IN A GAME OF GO FISH TO THE MOB!

Le: Right.

Wind: I no own Lord of the Rings or Care bears, if I did I'd… zzzzz.

* * *

Gandalf starts pacing around the room, wearing a big ring into the floor, "Ok, the bear has a large army and has taken Frodo as a hostage." 

Frodo, who is standing behind Gandalf, "I'm right here."

Gandalf stuck a valiant pose has he acted all cool and all knowing like, "To be victorious we must-" he promptly trips over his beard, "NOT AGAIN!" he falls into bottomless pit.

"That sure does happen a lot." Sam commented while dropping pennies down the pit.

Legolas looked annoyed at being, once again the only sane person in the team, "He'll be back in 3, 2, 1"

Gandalf rose from floor dressed in rose pink robe with matching hair/beard," I am Gandalf the Rose. I can only stay for-"

Boromir hits G with fish that appeared out of no where…ok so a curtain little freak with a stupid cough dropped it on his head. "WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN STAY FOREVER IF YOU WANT TO SO SHUT UP!"

Everyone blinked stupidly in the face of logic. Alas it was not to last long for-

"I like tuna," Gimli said happily, hugging the fish.

"I like spinage." Frodo tried to get some attention.

Legolas looked around with a cute, confused look, "Did anyone hear that?"

The others shake their heads.

A little tear fell from quite wimpily from Frodo's eye as he whimpered, "Why is everyone picking on me?"

Everyone glances around blankly.

"So, are we going to look for that little thing.. um, Rebo wasn't it?" Aragorn asked scratching his greasy head.

"Frodo."

Gimli shook his head, "No I think it was Freako."

" No Frodo."

Sam, "Groso?"

"Frodo!"

Merry, "Kurebo?"

"FRODO!"

Boromer, "Deaken?"

Frodo screamed, "FRODO, FRODO, FRODO! THAT'S IT, I'M JOINING THE BEAR!" storms out in a random direction.

Legolas looks around again, "Did anyone else hear that?"

Everyone shrugs, "No."

"Hm must be hearing things."

OoO

Right I think that enough.

O

o

O

o

Just joking. Hears some more!

In a shadowed room… where else would it be?

Frodo kneels before a tiny thrown made of bones and dismembered Barbie dolls, "I pledge to serve you my fuzzy lord."

The Care Bear raises a post card that said, 'You must show your loyalty.'

Frodo pulls out a dark and sinister in which was, "Here is the sacred can of Cheeze Wiz and a Sports Illustrated Hockey addition my fuzzy liege."

The Care Bear, who from now on shall be called Lord CB puts his tiny, fingerless hands together like Mr. Burns from the Simsons, 'Excelent. We will move soon.'

* * *

Sorry it has been so long and that this is short. I have not been feeling well, fact is I felt like I did not have enough energy to continue breathing let alone write. Review to make me feel better. 


	5. Random random everywhere

Wind: I'M BLUE. DA BA DE BA BA DIE BA BA DE BA BA DIE-

Le: STOP OR BE HURT SURVEARLY!

Wind: T-T Ok.

Boromir: YOU MAKE ME LOOK LIKE IDIOT!

Wind: LOOK A FLYING RICE PATTY!

Boromir: (lookes) WHERE!

Wind: Hah, you's dumber then I!

Le: (wacks both) Idiots

Frodo: So, I'm evil now?

Le: Yep.

Frodo: Cool.

Wind: - Ouchies.

Le: Start the story.

Wind: Fine, but first- (grabs a mike) I GOT A SPECIAL CONTEST GOING HERE! FIND THE HIDDEN QUOTES IN THIS STORY YOU WILL GET A CYBER PRIZE! (basically just to make you feel good) SO READ AND REVIEW RIGHT NOW!

* * *

The remaining members of the Fellowship sat with the Council. The greatest minds of the age came together trying to figure out what to do.

Elrond rises his hand and waves it like a little kid, " I say we drop large rocks on them!"

Random Elf looks at his lord and states, "That's just stupid."

"It's not stupid," Elrond said looking smug, "it's advanced."

Sam looking slightly stoned stares at his hands" Dude, my hands are like, huge."

"Sam, have you been smoking Gandalf's pipe?"

"What's wrong with my pipe?" Gandolf asked while petting his beloved pipe.

Aragorn snorted a laugh, "That aren't fooling anyone."

Sam who had been watching them like a tennis game started giggling, " Noo" he falls on his face with his butt in the air.

"No more pipe for you." Gimli grabbed the pipe and put it in his pocket.

Gandalf sniffled at the loss of his beloved pipe of questionable contents, "We should hire the undead army of moldy cheese monsters to fight them."

Legolas looked outraged, "What type of priest are you!"

"I'm not a priest."

Legolas scratched his head, "Oh yeah. Sorry, blond moment."

Pippin suddenly bursts out of floor holding a spoon and a lobster, "Finally we made it! Come on Elvis."

Elvis does his little lip thing, "Right of man."

Boromir, "Didn't we banish you to the Spam Balls?"

"Oh, I quit when I found out about this."

Elrond looked scandalized, "You quit being banished?"

"YEP!" Pippin had a big smile like this.

The others shrug their shoulders, not really caring "Whatever."

Suddenly a big screen appears.

Aragorn points excitedly…it seems that they are having a kid day here, "LOOKY! A RANDOM FLASHBACK!"

Legolas holds up the popcorn over his head, "GOT THE POPCORN!"

The flashback starts to play. We see Aragorn and Legolas sword fighting in a barn full of swords and a donkey. Yay a donkey!

Aragorn looks at all the swords in awe as he rides a moving pillar, "Who makes all these?"

Legolas attacks him, "I do! And I practice with them three hours a day!"

Aragorn looks unimpressed, "You need to find yourself a girl mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch are you?"

The screen disappears up into the ceiling again

"Wow that was stupid and pointless." Merry said while picking his nose.

Elrond starts screaming.

Boromir to Arwen who appeared, "Is your dad feeling alright?"

Arwen flaps a hand, "Yes, he's perfectly fine."

Elrond's arm flies off and writhes on the floor a little bit. Boromir starts screaming like a little girl.

Arwen, "Nothing to worry about, my dad lost his arm in the . . . the war."

Elrond starts yelling to the heavens, "That was my squeezin' arm. They took my squeezin' arm! Why my squeezin' arm! Aaaarrggaahhh!"

Two spies run into the room.

The first spy comes up to the group, "Ma'ams, I have good news and bad news."

Pippin looks up, "What's the good news."

Spy2 smiles like a stupid fairy man, "The good news is, I named my nickel Phillip."

Merry looks confused, "Uh, what's the bad news?"

Spy2 yells, "It's a girl nickel!"

Spy1 slaps the second spy with a sausage, "The enemy army is about to move on the last eggo."

Everyone gasps in horror "Not the eggo! Those monsters!"

Everyone runs out while Gimli stands in place for a second, looking at the sky. "There's something that cannot be expressed in words, human emotion. Emotions of the heart can't be just tucked away in a closet. There's a way to know the emotions. Look into the eyes. The girl lied to me, and I believed her. The gentleman lied to me, when I trusted him, but the moment I looked into his eyes the angel of destiny began to unravel the truth. Just look into their eyes. There is only one truth."

The random elf is back again, maybe I should name him… "Deep, but you stole that from the previews of a show you quote thief."

Gimli waves his rubber ax around, "SHUT UP PIXY!"

The elf just shrugs, "Whatever."

OoO

Frodo stands at the front of an army of evil plush toys, ordering little evil animals around, "Go get me a tuna sandwich!"

One of the toys, a little green dog, runs up with knife, "You are no commander, you are a threat to the mission! Your methods are stupid, your intelligence is stupid, your progress has been STUPID! For the sake of the mission, you must be terminated!"

Frodo thinks for a moment with a pained expression, "How about I give you a pixy stick instead?"

The dog shrugs, "Works for me."

Frodo, "Sweet. NOW! LET'S GO!"

OoO

The evil care bear watches the approaching army.

ECB chuckles, "Don't be hasty, now. I intend to obliterate every last trace of mankind eventually... so why must you rush the inevitable?"

The army yells up, "Cause you're a stupid stuffed animal that no one likes!"

ECB, "Grr."

* * *

YAY! There ya go. Ok I will be nice and tell anyone that reads this that there are nine quotes in this fic. Tell me what you think and try to find the quotes. 


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